Failure Island
“Failure Island?” Ivy asked skeptically. “Is that seriously the name of this place?”
“Yes!” Chester exclaimed happily. Chester was someone who had called Ivy’s friend Anomaly to ask her to do something to help him, but Anomaly couldn’t go (due to having “important good-guy duties that murderers like Ivy wouldn’t understand”) so Ivy, who had been literally forced to go, went instead. Ivy had barely been with Chester for more than 60 seconds and she already thought she was going to go insane.
“If the place is called Failure Island, then why would anyone want to live here? That makes them sound like they’re all…” She stopped and started laughing. “Oh, I get it now.”
“People believing that they’re failures is nothing to laugh at,” Chester said in a pouty voice. By the time he had finished that sentence his smile had already sprung back onto his face. “Which is where you come in!”
Ivy gave him a glare. “Are you suggesting that I’m a failure of a person?”
“Oh, no no no!” he said cheerfully. “I want your help to turn this into Success Island!”
Ivy looked at him, but she could only hold her gaze a few seconds before she started laughing again.
“What’s so funny?”
“That idea,” Ivy responded, still grinning. “It’s really, really stupid.”
“Stupid?” Chester practically shouted, his annoying cheeriness gone. “Stupid?”
“That’s right,” Ivy said. Chester’s face went red, his anger flaring. Ivy waved a hand airily. “Go right ahead with your screaming. Just bear in mind that I may leave halfway through and you won’t even notice. You know, with the power of teleportation and all that.”
“Well then,” he growled, “I won’t yell. But you should know that I am now against you.”
“Meaning…?”
“Meaning that I’m your enemy. You should fear me. I am superior to you, because I’m an adult and you are a child. I win.”
“I have a few comments on that little statement. First, making me, Ivy Animosity, your enemy is a really bad decision. Second, you’re not scary at all. Third, you aren’t and never will be superior, because I’m the one with the magical powers and I’m smarter, and I really hate being called a child. And you automatically lose. Or, if you haven’t yet, you will. Bye now.”
And with that, Ivy teleported away, leaving Chester alone and furious.
Ivy hadn’t teleported far; she was on the street, outside the building with Chester inside. She was in the Island’s capitol, Depression. Out here there were all different kinds of people, people who considered themselves failures, and they stood out against the grey and cloudy sky. There was a lady who was singing like a chicken, a guy who was muttering swears angrily at a wall that wasn’t showing any signs of irritation – on account of the fact that it was a wall - and kicking at it, a pair of idiotic-looking girls who were trying to give each other a high-five but couldn’t, and a wide variety of others. Ivy approached the two girls who couldn’t high-five each other.
“Hello,” Ivy said to them. They didn’t seem to hear, or even notice her, and they continued on with their failed attempts at high-fives. She tilted her head to try and look at their faces. “Uh, hello?”
The two girls managed to high-five each other for once and they suddenly disappeared. Ivy blinked; trying to make sure her imagination wasn’t playing tricks on her. Right when she started jumping to a conclusion the two girls reappeared, their smiles fading slightly.
They finally turned to her. One of them had blue hair that stopped at her shoulders, and the other had green hair that stopped just above her waist. They were both wearing ridiculous pink dresses. Ivy shuddered. She hated pink. And they both had the idiot look in their eyes. Ivy couldn’t explain it any better than ‘the idiot look’, no matter how hard she tried.
“Hi!” both girls exclaimed at once.
“Hello for the billionth time,” Ivy said. “I’m Ivy. I was wondering if either of you know where I could find a map or something.”
“I’m Glitter!” said the girl with the green hair.
“And I’m Sparkle!” said the girl with the blue hair.
“I can tell why you guys are here,” Ivy muttered. She raised her voice to a normal level. “So, do either of you have a map?”
“No,” said Sparkle. She gazed at Ivy curiously. “What’s wrong with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re wearing all black and you have black hair.”
“And your skin’s really pale and your eyes are purple-blue,” Glitter said.
“They aren’t purple-blue. They’re indigo. And I have black hair and wear all black because I feel like it. Can I have a map now?”
“Why are you pale? Are you a vampire?”
Ivy sighed. “I’m not a vampire. Give me a map or…” Ivy did her best to think of something that might register as a threat to their idiotic minds, “I’ll… I’ll… I’ll die both of your hair black.”
“You wouldn’t!” they both squealed in terror.
“I bet I would. Tell me where a map is and I’ll walk away, leaving your freakish hair perfectly unharmed.”
“I have one in my pocket!” Glitter exclaimed. She pulled a folded up map out of her pocket and handed it to Ivy. “Here you go!”
“Uh… Thanks. I’m leaving now,” Ivy said and turned to walk away. She stopped because Chester and about 10 other people were blocking her path. Ivy sighed.
“Is this really necessary?”
“Yes,” Chester said with what he probably thought was a triumphant sneer. “Here’s my army. We’re going to give you a chance before we attack you. You can either join us or be attacked.”
“Okay, see, I would help you except… Actually, no, I wouldn’t, because you’re all really annoying, and kindness is one of my allergies.”
“You asked for it,” Chester snarled, and the 10 people lunged at her.
Ivy easily batted down the first hand to try to smack her, then grabbed the person’s arm and flipped them to the ground. The next person tried to trip her and she used her foot to sweep them off their feet. A third person tried to get to her, but tripped on his friends before he could even reach her. She heard four people behind her and whirled around, using her magic to fling blue light at them. They all flipped head over heels to the ground. Of the three remaining, one actually managed to trip her, but she grabbed two of their ankles and dragged them down to the ground. Ivy stood up and grinned at the last person. He ran away, without Ivy even having to do anything.
“You really are wimpy,” Ivy said to Chester. “I understand why you’re on Failure Island, that’s for sure.”
His lower lip quivered. “You are so hurtful.”
“I know. That’s the point in insulting people.”
“I’m not giving up!” Chester said, his confidence growing. “I’ll just do this on my own!”
Ivy rolled her eyes. “You aren’t only wimpy, but you’re annoying, too. You know what? I think I’ll blow the place up, just to irritate you.”
“What?” Chester asked. “You can’t blow everything up! You’ll kill everyone here!”
“I know. It’ll be really funny, trust me.”
Chester looked at her in horror.
“You know the problem now? The problem is that I have to deal with you. I mean, that’s an easy problem to resolve, but it’s just annoying, if you know what I mean. I’m going to be setting up bombs all along the island, so if you don’t mind, you can run away now.”
Chester stared at her a few more seconds, then ran away. Ivy opened the map, and groaned when she realized that there was little hearts and smiley faces drawn on, most likely from Sparkle and Glitter. She started reading it.
The entire island was shaped like a giant ‘F’. The city names were hilarious for being in Failure Island: Depression, Doom, Misery, Shame, Hopelessness, Despair, Melancholia, Hobo Cave, and Wimptopia… There were tons of them. Not to mention some of the landmarks on the map: Loser Lake, Friendless Manor, The Evil Unicorn Farm, The Graveyard for Hopes and Dreams.
Ivy arched an eyebrow. If she was going to blow the entire Island up, she was probably going to have to go to Depression, Misery, Friendless Manor, The Evil Unicorn Farm, and Wimptopia, to spread out her bombs in order to blow up the entire island.
She teleported out of Failure Island, and to one of her favorite stores: the Weapon Supplies Store. The man at the counter sighed when she approached.
“Not you again,” he said. “You’re always here. If you’re looking for knives or swords or revolvers or pistols or anything, I’m afraid we’re all sold out. You took everything last week and we haven’t got any more yet.”
“Well,” Ivy said as she reached the counter, “you’re in luck, because I came for something different today. I need extremely powerful bombs.”
“Something different? That’s a shock. The fact that you want bombs? Not quite so shocking.” He pulled a huge box of dynamite from behind the counter. “Any particular reason?”
“I’m blowing up an island,” Ivy said. “You know, because it’ll be funny. I’ll be leaving now.”
“Are you actually going to pay for anything before you do?”
“Do I ever?”
“No,” he admitted.
“Then I won’t.” Ivy teleported back to Failure Island, carrying the box of explosives. She was in Depression, and she decided to the capitol building to place the explosives on.
The capitol building was painted a faded grey, and shaped like the island – meaning it was shaped like an ‘F’. Ivy knocked on the front door, then looked at the sign taped to it. The sign said, “No one works here because no one is successful.” Ivy sighed, then kicked the door down. She walked past the front desk, and over to the elevator.
She pushed a button then stepped inside. It took probably around 10 minutes for her to finally reach the top floor, and by the time she did she thought she was going to go insane for being stuck in a confined space that long. She stepped out, and placed her box on the floor so she could open it. She placed a fifth of the bombs in the center of the floor, along with a little cube that was programmed to set the bomb off when she pushed a button.
Satisfied, Ivy teleported out and headed off to Misery by taking a boat on the River of Tears; a river that was supposedly made out of the tears of the people in Failure Island. The river was full of garbage and junk, and there was so much that the water had turned a murky grey color that made Ivy nauseous when she looked at it. The instant she got off that boat, she was glad about it.
In Misery, there weren’t even any people on the streets. Ivy looked around cautiously. It was strangely quiet. She walked along the streets, glancing around at the poorly built houses and buildings. Ivy heard a moan from right behind her and she jumped, then spun around. The moan had come from an old lady who was looking at Ivy strangely.
“Excuse me,” Ivy said, “but could you tell me where the best place to set off a bomb would be?”
“Oh, of course,” the old lady said. “Turn down the road down there and there’s a perfect little fountain to set it off on.”
Ivy arched an eyebrow at how ridiculous it was that this lady had even told her. “Well, thank you, I’ll be going to place this bomb now.”
“Have fun!” the lady said as Ivy started walking away.
Ivy walked down the road and turned where the old lady had directed. She found the fountain and opened her box to take out another bomb. Once she had tied the bomb to it, she placed a small cube on it, the same way she did for Depression’s bomb. She checked that it was perfectly precise, then nodded to herself, and thought of where she needed to go next. Wimptopia was probably best.
Ivy left Misery by taking a ride on a train – a very bumpy and rattle-filled ride, for that matter - and was, an hour later, in Wimptopia.
In Wimptopia, everything was made of cushions. Literally, everything. The trees, the sidewalk, the grass, the houses… Everything. Ivy was wondering what was going on when she saw someone trip onto the cushions, and start crying. Ivy rolled her eyes. That explained the title of the city.
She wandered about the city, only finding cushions, and came to the center. There she found a cushion tree, taller than all the others. Ivy approached it and started climbing up, and quickly reached the top, because even easier than climbing a tree was climbing a tree made of cushions.
She repeated her process of attaching bombs by putting it in the middle of the tree and placing the small cube on it. After she had finished, she teleported back to Misery and took another bumpy train ride to get to Friendless Manor.
Friendless Manor was packed with people, but no one was friendly. That was probably why it was called Friendless Manor. Ivy walked up to someone, tried to ask something about where the center of the city was, but they just walked on like she didn’t exist. Ivy crossed her arms. She didn’t like being ignored. She decided to just wander off until she found it.
The city center was, like the rest of the city, packed with rude and grumpy people. The people were so rude and grumpy and caught up with their own thoughts that they didn’t even notice Ivy putting her fourth bomb in place, topped off with a little cube on the bench there.
Her trips were becoming shorter and shorter, and the sky was getting darker. Ivy didn’t want to have to continue this the next day, so she decided to just do everything as quickly as she possibly could. And that meant that she needed to get to The Evil Unicorn Farm and blow the island up.
Ivy stole someone’s car and, despite the fact that she was 13 and it was illegal for her to, she drove for 30 minutes to get to the Evil Unicorn Farm. Since everyone was a failure, no one could really drive, so Ivy zoomed through the streets without hitting anyone. Not that she would’ve minded.
The Evil Unicorn Farm was full of exactly what the average person could expect - evil unicorns. Ivy hadn’t even known that evil unicorns existed or why they would be here, but they did and they were, so she wasn’t questioning. She was, however, questioning how she would get the bomb in the middle of the room.
The unicorns, which varied in colors from pink to grey, were glaring at Ivy with glowing red eyes. At least, Ivy thought they were. It was kind of hard to tell, because they were unicorns. She took a step forward and she heard all the unicorns growl.
“Hey,” Ivy said as she hopped over the fence that prevented people from coming in, “I’m evil too. Chill out, unicorns.”
They all stopped growling, and started nodding in agreement about her being evil. They let her get to the center of the room, where she strapped the bomb down and placed the cube. She was about to leave so she could set it off, but thought of something better.
She teleported to Depression, where she found Chester freaking out and walking in circles. She grabbed him and teleported back to the Evil Unicorn Farm before he had time to protest. When they had reappeared, she tied him to a pole and left him there. Ivy held up the button to set off all the bombs, and gave Chester a grin. “Good bye, Failure Island. Oh wait, one more thing.” Ivy grabbed one of the unicorns, then teleported away.
For a few seconds, nothing happened.
And suddenly, with a giant explosion of light and fire, Failure Island was gone.
Brilliant. Unicorns are amazing, and so are cushions.
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